love and heretics

It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness

Magical Thinking

Reflecting upon my childhood, I realized I was a very odd child. One that I think some parents would have put in therapy.
I had a keen imagination, but that is an understatement. Overactive? I was hyper in the mind and body.

Anything someone said can’t be done I took as a personal challenge. I stayed up many a night conquering such tasks. Twiddling thumbs in the opposite direction, counting to a million, writing backwards, upside down, writing in codes, juggling, seeing if I could stay up all night…seeing if my stuffed animals ever did come to life when i was asleep, only I guess they figured out i was really awake and just playing possum for they never did.
Never caught the borrowers actually borrowing anything either, even though I left stuff out for them in my room just in case, in places I could spy from underneath a crack in the covers…

Every fear I had, I felt the need to vanquish or…overcome.
I became nauseous in tight spaces. I would put myself in an emptied out toy-box, and ask my sisters to sit on top of the lid and not let me out “no matter WHAT I said”. Face your fear.
I had severe problems with OCD. (before i knew what it was :D) I put all the pictures in my room crooked intentionally, and left certain things on the floor in the middle of the room and forced myself to not pick them up.

Because I was taught that with God all things, (ANYTHING) are possible,
and taught to believe in spiritual forces, the existence of demons, angels, god and the devil…I believe it rather encouraged my imaginative thinking crossing over into reality. The cliffs…..

I had a demon prayed out of me when I was probably seven?
I had been crying a lot, anytime we entered a church, or bible study.
I had no idea why. My mother would yell for me to stop. Order me to stop, only nothing worked. Usually fear shut me up pretty good. When asked why, i had no answer. I only couldn’t stop sobbing.
so the demon was prayed out of me, and i was told i was delivered. And I stopped crying. I knew i must.
I also had a condition where I would start giggling. I couldn’t explain that one either. Once I started I could not stop. I would giggle till it hurt and i was crying. No one seemed to mind that one. They said the holy spirit could come upon you and make you laugh. go figure.

I saw a commercial recently in which it said something about both of those things…unexplained weeping and giggling. And that it was some sort of neurological disorder? I haven’t actually researched it or looked into yet. It just caused me to remember my childhood, and those moments. It did spark some curiosity. I will have to check it out.

I remember at some point trying not to take bites of food or sips of drinks at the same time as anyone else when i ate. Somehow I came up with the notion that if we ate a bit or drank a sip at the same time others (whoever did it) would be able to read my mind.

that developed further, into riding in vehicles. I tried to make sure my brain wasn’t lined up with anyone elses. I thought an exact straight line up would give others access to read my thoughts as well.

Where the heck did i come up with this shitake?
I have no idea. Only that I believe anything was possible…which left the door open for all kinds of magical thinking.

Stepping away from religion, allowed me to look back and wonder at my oddness as a child. That cliff I overlooked…the cliffs of sanity…

For me, walking away from religion allowed me to step away from magical thinking.

(I am not accusing others of being magical thinkers here only myself)

It is why I felt so much healthier and sane when I let it all go and began using critical thinking and testing all things as a part of how I looked at the world around me.

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4 Comments

  1. I think I am going to steal your line….“walking away from religion allowed me to step away from magical thinking.”

    That is a great point.

    • No need to steal M. 🙂 you are free to use.

  2. Great post! All i see there is a kid being a kid. I did some really odd things, too…. pushed myself (tests) to limits that nearly killed me a few times. It’s just experimenting. I don’t have kids, but from what you’ve described if you were mine i’d be sooooo proud of you! 🙂

    • A very kind thing to say. After writing it, (and pushing post) I wondered if I had stepped over that line of “things others just don’t need to know” lol. The realization that “God can do anything, healing, raising the dead, miracles, parting water, moving mountains, causing animals to talk, causing women to be pregnant” mixed with a person who tends toward “magical thinking” /creative/imaginative mind can be a rather deadly duo.
      I can’t say how many times I tried walking into wardrobes hoping Narnia would appear…
      Or the fear that I could be pregnant when once missing my period as a teen, (even though i was as virgin as one could get…) because the belief that if God could cause someone to get pregnant once…maybe he could do it again…..
      Ah…good ol magical thinking….;)

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