love and heretics

It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness

virgin sex* ruined the wedding night….

This is in response to the Culture Monk who posted “Women with no nipples sex in church I’m gonna get hell for this

And is daring to shake up things by challenging things that don’t get challenged within the church.  We may have differing views on the existence of a god….but on somethings…we agree.  🙂

I had been taught at a young age that a woman could be anything she wanted.  I was given a black doll for my first baby doll (though i was white) and given books of Harriet Tubman, and Susan B Anthony to read at an early age.  My mother did not want me to be prejudice but to see all others as equal…all humans loved by god equally.  “So there is no difference between Jew and Gentiles, Between slaves and free people, between men and women; you are all on in union with Jesus Christ.” Galatians 3:28

And yet, at the same time I was taught that as a woman, my true place in life was the helpmeet of man.  And that in order to honor God, (and be a good christian) one must first be subject to the man in her life…(dad/husband) and then to god.

“But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” (I Corinthians 11:3)

“For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.” (I Corinthians 11:8-9)

And that because woman was an emotional creature…and the weaker vessel…she should not trust herself, but the man in her life.

Let the women learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.” (I Timothy 2:11-14)

 

In fact, I remember a specific bible story being used to suggest that even if you felt it was immoral….you should obey your husband, and that god would bless you for submitting to that which he had placed over you. (Genesis 12)

You can only imagine what these  teachings blended together could do to a girl….(confusion?)

At the age 0f 18, I was preparing myself to either be a good wife, or a missionary.  I was hoping for both combined.

Lucky for me? Someone popped into my life with just such an offering.  I had never really dated, hadn’t gone to college, though i thought about it…saving myself completely for marriage, and to be a servant to a husband and then to the mission field…

This fellow shows up, full of charisma, with a video about some orphans in Bogota Columbia who lived under the streets in sewer systems.  His dream? to go to Bogota as a missionary and start a home for this children.  Why was he still here? He was waiting in the states for a Barnabas.  (Paul and Barnabas)  I was hooked.  I was not physically attracted to this man…but what did that matter? It was the spirit that counted yes?

Now comes the fun part…sex was a taboo subject.  I had no…sex education.  I was a virgin.  (one who even was afraid at one point in her teenage years that she could be pregnant like the virgin mary, but this time not out of goodness, but because she had sinned..and it was a punishment…because well…if god could do it back then? why not now? and didn’t missing a period mean you were pregnant? it couldn’t mean stress or other stuff if you didn’t know those things could affect your period… right? :D)

We were engaged a year, during which i got a full time job, and began depositing every penny i had into a joint account to save up for missionary school.  We never had premarital sex.  We got hot and steamy a couple of times, but only with our clothes on.
The wedding night? absolute nightmare.  It was horrid.  I had never seen the male organ before, oh, except for this one time when helping clean out a barn for some church friends when i was like twelve, and moving a box where  some sort of porn picture fell out, and me being horrified, then having everyone circle around me and pray the demons away….sex/lust/ whatever else type demons might have been connected to the horrible god forsaken picture…
so…back to the night…I wanted to just close my eyes and not see it…it was huge! and it hurt ever so bad.  Guess mom was right when we had the little premarriage talk on which i was informed “sometimes a woman has to do things she doesn’t like to satisfy her husband.  you must above all keep him satisfied. ” (otherwise it was your fault if he turned away elsewhere to get his satisfaction AND /or there was some matter of dangerous blue balls or something if you didn’t meet his needs)
So back to the horrid part…

well..he was a virgin too….and before the night was over, he had retired to the bathroom to check his equipment and see if it was working right, and i lay there trying hard to pull back in the tears….after other failed attempts there was finally the blood to prove the deed was done…the rest of the honeymoon we attempted to have a lovely time….until we faced the elephant in the room each night…that thing that was supposed to be the “beautiful sacred part of marriage” or even the lusty fun dirty deed others enjoyed…
where was the joy?!!?!?!?
After the honeymoon, I began to question about our plans….When arriving home from work to find a brand new big tv, computer and even car were bought…(all on great special deals that couldn’t be passed up) slowly , very slowly it sunk in….it wasn’t going to happen.
In fact my husband ended up losing his faith in god…(I think our own sexual experience MIGHT have played some role in this as he began questioning if he could be gay considering straight sex certainly did not turn out a “great experience” for him.  How can you have fun if the person you are trying to penetrate is crying? (unless your into that sort of thing)
Meanwhile, my wifely duty became a larger elephant in the room, as people began asking about children….how could we, when we couldn’t get the act together very well? I sought medical help, as there wasn’t much available church wise…praying didn’t seem to bring anything more than guilt….

The doctor recommended wine….(and said it wasn’t an official recommendation) but it should help relax the tightness.

Only wine made me throw up…and worried me…having always been a complete teetotaler…
(if i had only known what i know now! rum! it’s the bestest! :D)

If I could go back and help that poor girl…and the young man….there is so much I would say…

But he found someone else who was willing to help him through the questions of whether he was gay or not, (not)
and she and he left me to pursue my own questions of my failures…

I found along the way that there were  other good church going girls who  fought with similar “tragic wedding nights” and that i was not alone…

counseling was a necessity…and a very patient partner….

but it did get better….

*As several responders have noted, and I fully agree…
it is not just about “virgin sex” ruining the wedding night…
It is specifically about a taboo topic ruining the wedding night…

42 Comments

  1. Wow. I definitely want to be able to talk to my kids about sex.

    • Please do! 🙂

      • Your experience literally made me speechless. I’m also awed by your balls. It’s so hard for me to share my personal story.

        • lol….hoping i don’t regret my balls in the morning…
          sometimes i expose more than i mean too…
          this one just sorta popped out..then i wondered…
          should i have done that? 😀

          • What reprocussions are you concerned about?

            • oh just revealing a little too much personal stuff so publicly. It’s not something i normally speak so…”balleshly” about… 😉

    • Not sure where to go with this. My New Testament teaches me that men are to honor and respect their wives.

      • That’s a good thing Bama. 😉 You probably weren’t raised like i was. A lot of churches unfortunately make sex a taboo topic. (check out the link from culturemonk at the top)
        I am glad for those that don’t have to struggle with this.

  2. Holly, superbly written….I wonder how many other people went through the same hell as u….so sad…..glad u have worked through this

    • Thank you. i know there are more. Glad you are willing to speak up….

  3. Wow, I’m so impressed you shared that! It’s a really useful story to have out there, hope it makes other people think. I wonder what percentage of ‘losing virginity’ stories fulfill the dream – I can’t imagine anything worse than saving it for the tail-end of the most stressful day (even if it’s good stress) of most people’s lives.

    • Thanks violet, I agree that it wasn’t just the losing virginity as much as lack of knowledge/education about sex…but indeed…what a way to ruin the already most stressful day….

  4. Miriam

    I was also messed up by my parent’s evangelical/fundamentalist beliefs about sexuality. I now have four children (2 grown) and I’m happy to say that I’ve shed most of the baggage and can talk openly with them. My daughter trusts me and comes to me for advice, which feels like a huge victory.

    • It of course didn’t help that there was sexual abuse (1 in three women apparently have been through this as well…) This I truly believed enhanced the inability to present sex in a healthy way for my mom. I am so glad you and your daughter are able to speak freely on the subject. And hope more and more parents will open that door. It took counseling and many years before I realized how messed up my own views were….

  5. Quite a harrowing tale.
    I can’t state yea or nay to the better or worse whole premarital sex thing, but to me it sounds more like the type of ‘advice’ and info you received which were out of whack rather than being a virgin.
    But equally as bad, worse even, was the inculcation hammered into you regards your ‘status’.
    It is difficult for one not brought up in such an environment to conceive what it could have been like, but the vehemence with which many reject everything religious after such experiences resonates perfectly.
    Glad it sorted itself out.

    • harrowing indeed Ark. …frankly I don’t think it had to hinge on “virgin” or not…but rather sex education. Two virgins having no clue what they were doing…or how…etc…or what was going wrong…combined with ‘status’ and…’advice’ did indeed put the …cherry on top of the horror…. 😉

      • Sex ed. it is. We are all virgins at one point.
        I am glad the religious element never entered the framework of my sex ed.
        I could never imagine passing on such negative info to my kids. Saddest of all, your folks thought they were doing the right thing and THIS is the core of how abusive religion is, and another reason why I will always go toe to toe with anyone who would suggest otherwise.
        It is all bad…only the severity is at issue.

        • Imagine being taught that masturbation was a sin as well…..

          • Well, I heard it made you go blind but I risked it until I had to wear glasses, then I reckoned God was done warning me. 😉

  6. Oh, Holly, I really feel for you. And what courage to write about these experiences in such an unadorned, honest way. I feel so sad that you had to go through something like this when it was totally unnecessary. Glad to hear that you found a patient partner in the end!

    • Thanks lively….((hugs))

      • ((hugs)) to you too!
        If you’re a bit surprised to read my article for today; I wrote it without knowing anything about yours. I guess it’s the atheist version. 🙂

  7. Beautiful post!
    If only parents talked about these matters with their children, half our lot wouldn’t have to go through such nightmares.

    • Thank you Makagutu. My hope in coming out this way is to encourage parents to NOT make this subject taboo….education is key…!

  8. I always assumed there were stories like this out there. But wow. I’m so sorry for you. I’m glad you’ve gotten things worked out better now. People who claim that religion does more good than harm, though, need to read this and ask themselves if this is really what they want for their children.

    • Thank you frogman. I am now feeling a bit better for…”hanging it all out there”…sometimes one wonders when sharing publicly .

  9. I can identify with this post, for my wife and I had a very, very similar experience, with the exception that neither of us were very religious at the time nor had any religious education to speak of. But sex was something that did not work for us. The first 15 years of marriage were rather miserable in the bedroom. But I learned a great lesson, that sex is but one part of marriage, and that there are many other things that make a happy couple. Good sex does not equal a happy marriage, nor vice versa. I did, however, become a Christian along the way, and learned the other part of the Bible that you conveniently left out……..the part about the husband loving his wife like Christ loved the church. You see, when a husband is willing to give his life for his wife, things turn out much better. Giving one’s life for your wife means to do what makes her happy, not what makes me feel good, and in the end it makes us both happy. THAT is the balanced biblical view of marriage. I can say that along the way not only have we both been faithful for 35 years, but the sex gets better each year. What a gift from God my wife is. By contrast, no marriage was ever helped by losing one’s virginity in the back seat of a car with someone who does not intend to stay around and help make a relationship.

    • Dear Humblesmith,
      Let me clarify, (though i did in the comments above, it was certainly not clear by the title)
      I even modified an addendum in the post to include this.
      *As several responders have noted, and I fully agree…
      it is not just about “virgin sex” ruining the wedding night…
      It is specifically about a taboo topic ruining the wedding night…

      I completely agree that a marriage doesn’t have to be “all about sex” or “sex only”.
      I am glad you and your wife found a way through it.
      I wish I had gotten more counseling at an earlier age…
      I with my parents wouldn’t have left the topic so taboo…
      Because it can be….a lovely addition to a relationship or marriage…
      a meeting of mutual needs..and desires…a part of giving to one another…
      but my view of it was so perverted…that sex itself was a “bad word” and my first encounter with it, only made it that much worse.

      I love that you are able to give, and care about your wifes happiness…that is beautiful.
      I wish you both the best.
      Kind regards,
      holly

  10. The tragic thing is that many Christians forget that God was the one who created sex. For pleasure and procreation in the context of marriage. So many are afraid to talk about it thinking that it will fan the flames of lust and passions that will lead to sin. All of this “covering up” leads only to shame and the erroneous belief that sex should not be enjoyed even in the marriage bed and should be endured. I’m so sorry that all this happened to you and that you had to suffer as you did. Thank you for being courageous to share your story.

  11. Holly,

    My husband and I were a couple of good Christians at the time we married at 31. We were both the same age and were both virgins. Mr. Amazing was raised Southern Baptist and I was raised Pentecostal, predominately, Assemblies of God. We met at a church that was basically apart of a big movement within the Foursquare denomination.

    When a man and a woman go through life scrambling to get their sex education through school, friends and lousy books (The Act of Marriage is a book that I would love to see destroyed!) issues come up for at least the first few days of their marriage. The only thing that either of us were told about sex from our intact, religious and traditional homes was “don’t do it!” When you are repeatedly told not to do something, when the time comes to do it, it’s awkward, painful and a complete mindfuck to do it!

    My poor husband had issues with erections because he loved me and didn’t want to hurt me. It seriously hurt him emotionally and affected him physically to know that he was hurting me. From the morning we married to the time we even began to get it right, was 48 hours of being couped up with each other, misery, sickness, pain and extreme disappointment.

    The truth of the matter is, sexual purity was rarely ever embraced by heroes of the Bible. Yet, fornication is stressed in the Ten Commandments in Exodus 20 and Paul places great emphasis upon it in his Epistles in the New Testament. It’s screamed against in so many Christian homes. Bible Colleges and Churches. Esther was more than likely “tried on for size” as the king was figuring out which of the many girls he wanted to make his bride. Ruth threw herself at Boaz’s feet and it is believed that she did a lot more than that as he went to bed every night. Abraham, Moses and David were all men who had sex with more than one woman. Yet, Christians are pushed to be sexually pure.

    I have two young boys and I have talked much more about sex to them than what my parents ever had with me my entire life. I let them know how important their bodies are and how no one has the right to them until they are of age and they have permission from them to do so. Their bodies are their bodies! My husband and I are such strong believers of this that we have stopped spankings altogether. It was something we rarely ever did, especially since becoming atheists less that a year and a half ago. We want our boys to know that their penis and buttocks are theirs and are private.

    I’m sorry I went long on this, Holly, I just really appreciate you addressing this. My husband and I have already begun the sex talk with our young boys because we know that it’s little bits at a time and a little more as they get older. The talk should never be just one or two discussions, if that, during our children’s childhood and teen years.

    Thank you for this post, Holly.

    • Ah charity. I bet there are so many more out there like us. I am so glad you are educating your children. I am so glad ours will have so much more knowledge and understanding so this won’t be such a terrible thing for them.

  12. archaeopteryx1

    I’m sure it was real to you, but I found your concern over immaculate conception amusing – would you believe you’re not the only one to have that concern? 10,113 Americans insured themselves against giving birth to the messiah at the millennium.

    • hah! that does make me feel better. lol. I struggled with a lot of magical thinking. But when you are raised to believe that god can do anything. Well, anything is possible. Science laws are just sort of guidelines… making a “reality” hard to draw lines around. That is just the perfect composite for crazy.

      • archaeopteryx1

        Actually we humans seem to enjoy magical thinking, beginning with wishing wells, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, then consider that our movies, TV and comic books are full of people with magical or other super-powers.

        I’m a died-in-the-wool atheist, but I used to get a little watery everytime I watched Ghost Whisperer, not because I believed any of it, but because I wished that it COULD be that way

  13. archaeopteryx1

    On a completely different note – I find that Virgin Islands rum has a flavor that surpasses that of any other rum I’ve tasted.

    • rum is my favorite! 🙂 I am a bit partial to the Kracken.

      • archaeopteryx1

        Yes, you mentioned that. But at least find a Virgin Islands rum and give it a try – first, smell the bouquet, it’s unique to rums, and the flavor, in my opinion, is delicious when mixed with coke. But hey, Baskin-Robbins makes 31 flavors for a reason —

        • ha. My apologies. I replied by the little comment box in the right corner while looking at another post and forgot what i had written. Virgin Islands rum sounds like something I will have to try. Thanks for the recommendation!

Trackbacks

  1. A tale of another “first time ever” experience… | love and heretics
  2. Virgin Sex and the marriage bed : take two | love and heretics
  3. Sex, Marriage, Virginity and Related Mental Meanderings | fojap

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