love and heretics

It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness

A tale of another “first time ever” experience…

How virgin belief messed up a girl…(or is this a horrid misuse of the term …virgin? 😉 )

I believe this is called…exposing oneself..
I recently shared my virgin wedding night in all of it’s horror, realizing for the first time that it was super important for people to realize and understand how taboo subjects can cause harm.

This post is not about nixing a taboo subject, (or even about sex) but rather just an attempt to allow those who have never experienced “salvation” to understand how it could appear to a young child..
And the mindset such “atonement” could leave a girl in….


She was but five, when they brought her there. She looked up at the man, wounded, bleeding, hanging …
the crowds were all surrounding, but the girl saw nothing but him. How could she see anything else…
A drop spilled down upon her upturned head….
This blood is for you….they said…
to take away all your wickedness, past present and future…

She wanted to see his eyes…but they were closed…
her chest tightened…she could barely breathe…

She wept.

Not for me……not for me!
She knew as she saw this great love, this great sacrifice, keeping the pit at bay, that there was nothing she could do to reverse it…
she wished she could…
even take the pain and suffering so he could be free…
it was too much.
Too much for this little one to bear…
the thought of such great love.

What was left?
her life…herself…
no more. It was for him. All that she had and ever hoped to be…
would be given to him.

when she was five….



  1. She was too young at 5!

    • indeed Noel. indeed.

  2. But there’s always a light in the darkness. And you always make the best of a situation. I’m glad you shared. Almost sad it ended, I was hoping for the memoirs of a heretic (leaving the evangelical cave). Much love ❤

    • thanks razzle, I have shared some of the leaving of the cave. perhaps I should have left a link at the bottom. I just wanted to share with this one, the deep impact such emotional guilt can have on a child, and why it is so hard for so many to simply…”let go” when they face questions they do not find answers for….

      • And you make the clear mark of the difference between someone who remains blind and someone that searches for answers on their own, when they were never presented with any. Kudos to you.

        • Thank you again Razzle (love the name by the way 😉 )
          i less than 3 you….(when you get that let me know :D)

          • I hope it didn’t take you too long too get it the first time u heardit… smh.. tehe less the three you as well. It’s a nickname from my roommate. Calls me razzle dazzle. Which shortly got changed for Dazz. But anyways keep up the writing. 🙂 ❤

            • oh i will never tell how long it took me to get it… 😀
              will send you info on setting up the email thingy on your blog. I would prefer getting instant notifications when you post so’s i can find you easier… :D((hugs))
              really missing you today…

            • oh hey…..I just googled smh……

              : ‘shake my head’ or ‘shaking my head.’ Usually used when someone finds something so stupid, no words can do it justice.


  3. Hi there, Holly!
    I think you make an important point here. This is something I never experienced, being from an atheist family, so I cannot really imagine what it must have felt like. But I think when we are very young, we are much more sensitive to this. Maybe it’s because we’re dependent on our parents for a long time, that it made evolutionary sense for us to be impressionable. I am sure an experience like this can have a deep impact for a very long time! Thank you for writing about it. 🙂

    • thanks lively. It is still very hard to visit with my parents and see their pain and sadness at my leaving the fold….right now I get a lot of “your father wishes to see you return (like the prodigal son) before he dies…

  4. Is this a real story?
    Self-correction: It could be… Muslims do get married to 9-year-old female kids, just like their child molesting prophet Muhammad farts be upon his filthy face

    • This one wasn’t actually about sex…(like the one linked to it) it was rather about belief…
      and innocence lost…in that way. apologies for it not being clearer)

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