Virgin Sex and the marriage bed : take two
Previously I wrote about my own virgin experience, HERE And though I think that being a virgin on one’s wedding night puts a lot of pressure on that “special night” I don’t think it was the “being a virgin” that ruined it so much, as the topic of sex being taboo. So today I run across a Huff piece which states that “No Sex before marriage is a bad thing”.
Earlier this month, Henriquez opened up about her “virginity mistake” in Slate, writing that the abstinence pledge she had taken when she was 14 ultimately ruined her marriage.
She elaborated on what she calls her “rude awakening” on HuffPost Live Wednesday.
“There were some issues that I wasn’t really aware of in our relationship that came to light in the bedroom,” she said. “There’s a different way of interacting during sex than you do in other aspects of your relationship, so let’s say for instance I give constructive criticism about his work or his hobbies, and that’s usually taken pretty well. But to say to a 21-year-old, 22-year-old male, ‘I don’t like what you’re doing, I think you should do it differently,’ there is an amount of defense that comes up and it strikes discord in your relationship.”
There is a video discussion with Henriquez, another girl who has made the abstinence (wait till you are married) pledge, and a girl who found out after marriage that the reason sex wasn’t so good, was because her husband gradually realized the reason he had problems having sex with women was because he was gay, and a psychologist, and a couple of others.
The discussion is interesting with differing points of view. Don’t you want to test drive a car before you spend that much money on it, or get into a long term contract paying for it? “kick the tires” so to speak and make sure that is the right car for you?
I think the distinction was made that waiting for sex until you are older and more mature, and the realization that having sex does indeed do things like give an emotional bond between people, and is more than just “causally having a cup of coffee” as sometimes it is tried to be made out to be is an important observation.
The young lady who has made the pledge to wait for marriage asks some valid questions, Is marriage all about sex? Does “testing the sex out” make it all about sex? and devalue the other categories?
In the end I don’t think it elevates sex as the priority, but rather brings it to the forefront that as a definite part of marriage, it is something that should not be left…unopened , unexplored, undiscussed, or ignored. As an example, on the importance of discussing and understanding each others point of view If you get into a marital relationship, and do not discuss having children at all until after marriage, you could run into automatic deal breakers. One person could believe that having children is part of the whole reason to get married, another could believe that marriage can be about just two people, and not like the idea of even having children.
Sex can certainly be another deal breaker. If one has been a part of a purity pledge, one may not really know what works and doesn’t work honestly for that individual. Trying it out, one discovers what gives pleasure, what doesn’t. Of course satisfying one’s spouse is a big issue. But it cannot be all about that.
Talking through my own experience led me to believe that it wasn’t just “being a virgin” that ruined my wedding night, but rather a lack of ability to discuss and communicate what was going on, what wasn’t working, and leaving it such a taboo topic.
The psychologist in the interview explains that there is sex counseling available that really does help a relationship. But the couple has to be willing to talk about it, and work on it.
But he also admits that some things will not be “fixable”. If one finds out they are gay, or that they truly find sex with the opposing sex deplorable…. no matter how hard they try to make it for the one they love…Eventually dealing with such emotions is going to cause problems. What then do they do with these feelings of love they have for that person? The person that loved them even when they could not give them what they wanted? Torn with guilt, doubt, depression, …..counseling can do some things, but not perform miracles. It cannot make the gay person straight.
There are many others things, bondage, etc that two may not be able to reach a compromise one. Being able to talk about it, and reach across the taboo at least will cause a confrontation with honesty, and the “elephant in the middle of the room”, giving less chance for darkness and depression to breed. Let the light shine in, EVEN if it may cause a discovery of an irreconcilable difference. Some things with therapy will improve, compromises can be made, new heights reached together.
Leaving sex a taboo topic only breeds resentment, doubt, and barriers between a couple.
So tackle in premarriage. Look into it before making a “lifetime contract/commitment”.
Perhaps if we would learn to be so bold, about all the issues between us, there would be a much lower