love and heretics

It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness

Testimony

I had just turned five, had just started kindergarten. My mother had recently shared with me the “Romans Road” and I had of course heard the sermons and the story of the manGod who was sent here out of love for me. I had also been reading the Jack Chick tracks that were laying in the bathroom. (My dad would hand them out sometimes when sharing his faith with others). I read about the whole “what have you got to lose?” .

Like I said, I was only five, so though this is a bit embarrassing, I have openly shared other stuff here, why not this?

I had gotten into this habit of picking my nose, (occasionally) and instead of taking the trouble of going to the bathroom and getting a tissue, I just wiped it on the carpet. (I was five okay?) But I had heard not only my mother, but the teacher tell about how we should only use tissue for such offending nose offerings. And so, late that night, the guilt began to set in. Funny thing is, it wasn’t really hellfire that scared me so much as …..hurting the heart of the one I had truly caused pain. That night I had a nightmare that I was in the kindergarten classroom and was surrounded by giant ….boogers. That I was having to cart them out with a wheelbarrow and everyone could see what I had done. How wicked i had been. I awoke crying, sweating…
My mother let me know that the holy spirit was convicting me of my need for salvation (for of course no matter how big or small…as in the Romans Road…”All have sinned and fallen short” …
My sin put him there on the cross too…..

She was but five, when they brought her there. She looked up at the man, wounded, bleeding, hanging …
the crowds were all surrounding, but the girl saw nothing but him. How could she see anything else…
A drop spilled down upon her upturned head….
red…
This blood is for you…… they said…
to take away all your wickedness, past present and future…

She wanted to see his eyes…but they were closed…
her chest tightened…she could barely breathe…

She wept.

Not for me……not for me!
She knew as she saw this great love, this great sacrifice, keeping the pit at bay, that there was nothing she could do to reverse it…
she wished she could…
even take the pain and suffering so he could be free…
it was too much.
Too much for this little one to bear…
the thought of such great love.

What was left?
her life…herself…
no more. It was for him. All that she had and ever hoped to be…
would be given to him.

when she was five….

From that moment, I surrendered my life to the godman…
I read the bible every day, cover to cover more than once, I prayed and talked to the godman when i first woke up and throughout the day, and said goodnight when going to bed.
I sang praises, and worked with all my heart to run the race set before me
(1 Cor 9:24-26) (Heb 12:1) And offered myself as His obedient slave… (Romans 6:16) offering all that I was, all that i ever hoped to be , in his service. Thanking him in faith for saving me…

until the day I allowed all the questions I stockpiled crash off the shelves…

but that was many many years later.

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5 Comments

  1. That’s a truly awful thing to put a 5 year old through.

    (good to see you back, Holly)

    • Thanks John. 🙂

  2. I remember your dream. I do, seriously! I remember you telling me this, oh, so long ago! I had a dream recently. I dreamed I ate a sausage biscuit and it tasted bad. I immediately realized I had consumed pork, and looked down and saw that it was raw. I spit it out immediately, but realized that it was too late. I had already eaten some of it. There was nothing I could do. It was so awful! I awoke, and knelt, and repented of sins… the offenses of which I was aware, and even those of which I was unaware, and also asked that I too forgive all those who had offended me. Ah, peace… but, oh, such strange dreams, eh?

    • Bless your heart, sis. (((((Hugs))))

  3. Seems there really are monsters under the bed.
    Shakes head….

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