love and heretics

It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness

Someone recently asked….

Why get married? What’s the big deal? We aren’t really made for monogamy anyway….

“The committed partnership between a man and a woman evolved, some say, for the well-being of children.”
(one must amend that to between spouses now 😉 )
But I will say in my own marriage, It is more than just this. Though the children have probably been the glue at times when things have gotten rough.

A marital vow, (traditionally) states something like the following :,” to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death — this is my solemn vow.”

The idea behind that is understanding that things will not always be rosy, that times will get tough, hard, perhaps what may even seem as …unbearable. And yet, If one walks into such a commitment ready for
Come what may” with the full realization that we are human, we will fail, we will falter, we will need help, seasons will change, we will evolve…
we can allow for growth, understanding, continued compassion, and learning together.

A choice to make a commitment to never be alone, to …companionship.
To some may sound like a ball and chain, and yet….
to others who see it desirable….

For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health…
come what may….
someone has promised to be there…and so you have promised.
Whether written on paper or not, it can be a beautiful thing.

Granting security to children is just one part of it, (though a large part for sure)

Hair turned gray, perhaps some wrinkles, appearance has changed...all part of for better or worse.. ;)

Hair turned gray, perhaps some wrinkles, appearance has changed…all part of for better or worse.. 😉

Morguefile free photos
(both pictures free public use by morguefile)

The tough times, can make you stronger.
But what happens when the little things drive you apart?
Lack of communication is probably the number one killer.

I remember receiving counseling from a friend when I thought my own relationship was feeling …thinned.
It felt as if we were getting farther and farther apart, and I was worried.
I was told to take 15 minutes of my day…..and touch him. Turn everything off….(computers , tv, walk away from it all) and give him my undivided attention for 15 minutes every day. Some kisses, a massage, holding him, sing him a love song….

This one little step, began knocking down the barriers we had allowed to grow between us. Building a small bridge that opened a door of communication.

You see, we had evolved. We had changed. Fear entered in.
I was not the same person he had married. (a good little christian wife who believed the bible to be the holy , unquestionable word of god, evangelical christian, stout republican, etc) I had become an atheist, learning towards the liberal side with lots of questions. He was still…a believer, and a stout republican.
How were we to conquer such opposing points of view?
It became easier to “go about our business” without talking about any of our beliefs, (religion or politics) to keep the fights from happening.

But we have come a long way since then. The assurance that we were going to find a way through these differences, taking time to touch, …to talk, to care….
overcame the need to agree on everything. We found small ways to build bridges over the giant gap between our differing points of view. We learned to be compassionate about the others viewpoint. And realized that our job was not to change the other, but to…love the other.

We have recently been onslaught with a serious of unfortunate events, and are learning the meaning of the “in sickness and health” and “for richer or poorer” . And are learning that a family can stand strong in the midst of whatever comes. Even grow through it.

So I have to admit, I am glad i am married. I am thankful for a committed companion, even through these tough times…perhaps especially. That I do not stand alone, but beside someone who loves me, as I do him. And I know, that come what may…
we face it together.

And if you are married, or committed to a partner…don’t forget to talk to them today, to reach out and touch them…
to turn some things off, put some things down…and take them in your arms, and let them know…
you are there. Really there. And they mean the world to you….
Massage their feet, or their shoulders….kiss them lightly….and talk.



  1. This is a really lovely post.

    • Thank you footsy! ((hugs))

  2. So very true.

    • thank you John! (you get hugs too… :D)

  3. This is a wonderful post, Holly! I think what you write is quite honest and very true. Marriage (with our without exchanging public vows, I’d say) might have evolved to ensure that a man’s children were his children and that the inheritance stayed within the biological family, but I think you write about what’s most important today.
    It’s weird to see how we want to change the people around us and how easily we convince ourselves that all would be great if only…And it really isn’t true!
    The same goes for us changing all the time. I think we almost inevitably have the wrong expectations when we start out. That doesn’t matter. It’s all about adapting to what we find.
    Time for hugs and coffee, virtual or not! 🙂

    • Thanks pip! (shall it be pip or lively?)
      I felt so very hesitant in responding to Mak’s original question. I had my own young first failed marriage…and then this one…well, we have had our trials and tribulations. I believe it actually became healthier AFTER my deconversion, and the leaving of magical thinking, struggles with guilt/ great expectations/ etc.
      Allowing for change, realizing that there will be struggles, and having realistic expectations makes a huge difference.

  4. Thanks Holly for sharing this. It is a pretty good read.

    • Thanks Mak. I am glad you enjoyed it. (((hugs))

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